We work with our teammates day in and day out. On Teams, Zoom, in meetings, next to each other in cubes and offices. At office get-togethers, conferences, happy hours and board meetings. That’s a lot of time. A lot of repetition. A lot of interaction. Whether you’ve worked on your current team for a month or 10 years, the time spent with teammates adds up. For many, this means building a bond of trust, respect, and understanding that makes working together easier, faster, and more productive. It means conflicts feel more like problem-solving than arguments; bad days are given a pass with a smile; and work mistakes are forgiven and forgotten.
But, on the other hand, there are some relationships that work the other way. More time together means more friction, less trust, higher frustration, and (worst case) long-held grudges and grievances.
Here’s what I know: teams will only operate at the lowest level of trust between team members. In other words, a broken or even slightly fractured relationship between just two members of the team holds the entire group back.
I’ve learned two important insights after working with teams for years: 1. repair has to come first. And 2, it starts with you. Most of us have slight grudges, annoyances, avoidances, or other negative patterns built up about our teammates over time. We think these don’t really matter, but they do. Just as in personal relationships, these unsaid weights will hold us down. It might just be human nature to wait for the other person to take the first step. This is where we go wrong.
On a team, it’s up to you. Take the first step. It’s usually easier than you think it will be.
→ Write down the specifics - what’s not working and why, what’s your part in it, what do you need to move forward.
→Find empathy: is there another explanation for their behavior? Challenge your own narratives about the persons/interactions/conclusions until you find positive intent.
→ Take one step to mend and repair: start doing a monthly one-on-one with your teammate, ask them to coffee, go for a walk.
→Have courage: bring up the elephant in the room; but by looking at yourself first. “What’s my part in it?” “How could I do better?” “What changes do I want?”.
Taking action toward repair is the only way forward, and if you wait for them you’re only hurting your team.